Well, 2008 is over. The long journey of treatment for John is over. Maybe. The effects of all the drugs they gave him are still weighing heavy on his body. Since my last posting much has happened.
We made it through the 24 weeks. John had a small resurgence of life, then his blood count went down, the weekly Neupogen shots went in, and life disappeared again. The aches and pains grew worse, breathing problems surfaced. A good night's sleep was hard to come by. The final weeks were the worst. It was all John could do to keep going; much of the time he didn't. He spent hours - days - doing nothing but sitting in bed. It's gotten so bad that he can barely walk 10 feet without having to rest.
So this is what the treatment has done. I wonder, is it worth it to eradicate the Hep C virus if at the end you have no strength to enjoy it? Is is worth it if your marriage is in shreds? My advice to anyone facing the decision to have the treatment or not is to run. Run like hell. Enjoy your life. This Interferon will rob you of what little you have.
Three weeks have passed since the last Neupogen; two since the last Interferon. He took the final Ribivirin pills a week ago. There is no change. He seems as bad now as he was during the treatment. He tells me the pain is better, but his actions do not show it. I use the term actions reservedly. He does very little. He goes to work, but I'm not sure how much he does other than sit and fret. At home he does nothing but sit. He rarely turns on his computer. Playing either the piano or synthesizer is out of the question. Forget about petting the dog, or rubbing the cat. Even hugging the wife is pretty much obliterated.
We can only pray that someday the effects of this stuff wear off and that there is no permanent damage done to John's body. When asked if he would re-do the treatment in case the Hep returns his answer: NO. Too bad that wasn't the answer before. This is one of those "cure is worse than the disease" times.
I know that God is taking care of us, and I believe - I have to - that He will make things better in the long run. But the long run is a very hard and long one.
Loosing mama at the begining of 2007 was hard; going through the legal matters involving probate was harder. Dealing with Pastor's illness, and then his wife's was horrible. But dealing with what has happened to my husband is the worst. It sometimes feels as if I am not married, as if my husband has left and someone else is sitting in his seat and sleeping on his side of the bed. As I said, I believe God will take care of everything, but that does not make it easier in the middle of the night when I feel alone. It does not help as I look at the future and see endless days of going nowhere and doing nothing. It does not help when I want to be held and loved and there is no one there to do so. But He will get me through, just as He has the past 25 weeks.
God is good.
No comments:
Post a Comment